The Lighter Side

IT'S A SERIOUSLY DERANGED UNIVERSE OUT THERE!

Chester W. Chester IV had inherited his great grandfather's lifework: a super computer that could bring any situation or time to life. Chester and his shady pal thought that they could make a fortune, but they should .have read the instruction book first....

Roger Tyson was being pursued through time by a motorcycle-riding rutabaga-like alien in a world where ages millions of years apart have been combined in an insane smorgasbord of aeons. And he must somehow convince superbeings from the distant future that the human race is not a horde of vermin who should be wiped from the pages of history....

To these two complete novels of hapless heroes caught in out-of-kilter spacetime clockwork, add a beleaguered Satan asking a college professor for help when extra-dimensional aliens invade Hell itself; another group of aliens using Earth for a set for a multi-D thriller and preparing to destroy the set after the big finish; a world where a 98-pound weakling can buy the body of a major hunk; and much more, in a huge volume of humorous science fiction adventure from Keith Laumer, the creator of Retief.

". . . adventure tales that are brisk, light and sardonic. . . ." —Publishers Weekly

". . . satirically wild SF adventures . . . improbable plot-twists and slapstick action." —Kirkus Reviews

". . . zany humor and puns. . . ." —VOYA

Cover Art by Richard Martin

Paperback
This is a work of fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.

First printing, May 2002

Distributed by Simon & Schuster
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020

Production by Windhaven Press, Auburn, NH
Printed in the United States of America

ISBN-13: 978-0-7434-3537-6
ISBN-10: 0-7434-3537-0

Copyright © 2001 by the estate of Keith Laumer.
edited by Eric Flint

"In the Queue" was first published by Putnam in 1970 as part of the anthology Orbit 7, edited by Damon Knight. "The Planet Wreckers" was first published in Worlds of Tomorrow, February 1967. "The Body Builders" was first published in Galaxy, August 1966. Time Trap was first published by Putnam in 1970. "The Devil You Don't" was first published by Doubleday in 1970 as part of the anthology Alchemy & Academe, edited by Anne McCaffrey. "The Exterminator" (aka "A Bad Day for Vermin") was first published in Galaxy, February 1964. "The Big Show" was first published in Galaxy, February 1968. "Goobereality" was first published by Berkley in 1968 as part of the anthology of Keith Laumer stories entitled It's a Mad, Mad, Mad Galaxy. "Prototaph" was first published in Analog, March 1966. The Great Time Machine Hoax was first published by Simon & Schuster in 1964.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form.

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THE RUTABAGA THAT
WALKED LIKE A MAN

The girl lay in the rain by her crumpled motorcycle. "You must help me," she whispered. "Deliver the message: Beware the Rhox!"

"What rocks?" Roger looked around wildly. "I'll go for a doctor!"

Her voice faltered. "No time . . . to explain . . . take . . . button . . . put it in . . . your ear . . . ." The green eyes held on Roger's, pleading.

"Seems like a funny time to worry about a hearing aid," Roger gulped, "but . . ." He held the button to his ear. Did he hear a faint, wavering hum, or was it his imagination? He pushed it in.

"Drive to Pottsville," the girl's voice said in his ear. "Start now. Time is precious!"

There was the sound of a motor. The headlight of a second motorcycle was approaching. As it shot past, he saw the shape behind the handlebars: a headless torso, bulbous, ornamented with two clusters of tentacles. Through the single goggle, an eye as big as a pizza swiveled to impale him with a glance of utter alienness.

With a strangled yell, Roger leaped back and saw the motorcycle veer wildly, hurling its monstrous rider clear, then skid to a stop in the center of the highway. Roger could see that the rider's upper portion was smashed into a pulp.

"I should go to the police," he said. "But what can I say? That I was responsible for the death of a giant rutabaga?"

"Time is of the essence," the girl's slightly accented voice said. "Get going! Take the motorcycle!"

"That would be stealing!"

"Who's going to report it? Relatives of a giant rutabaga?"

"You have a definite point there," Roger said . . .

—from Time Trap

BAEN BOOKS by Keith Laumer:

The Compleat Bolo
Retief!
Odyssey
Keith Laumer: The Lighter Side